Loser like ME

Would you still love me? Even in my dark side?
-_-

   Yesterday, I was tasked to cover the cheerdance and dancesport event for the college days. I started the day feeling good but it ended badly. When I was covering the event, I felt so ashamed of myself for being stupid. I knew from the very start that this will happen but why do I still tolerate it. Why do I keep myself stuck into a confusing situation? I know no one will understand this but this feeling is deep and it breaks my heart the more I think of it. I cannot tell exactly what it is all about but I feel so little everytime I talk and walks into that "jungle of uncertainty." I'm not a sad person or anything but I wish I was them. I wish I have that charisma who can talk to them for hours and just easily deal with them. But it's the other way, I cannot be them because I'm just this small shit ready to be smashed into pieces like a ripe pumpkin. I feel doing the bad thing again. That "bad thing" won't kill me anyway but perhaps it will lessen the pain inside. I don't want to cry over it and I'll be fine doing it again anyway.